did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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