i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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