we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
