I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
