I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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