if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
