I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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