Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
