It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
