pedialite and red bull = repair kit
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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