Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
