respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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