Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
