I think I died a long time ago.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
