Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
