I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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