I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
