some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
