I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
