So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
