So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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