Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
