apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
