i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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