# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
