I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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