My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
