No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I can text with my tongue
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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