I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
