They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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