Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
