I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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