these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
