Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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