I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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