Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
