Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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