i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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