Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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