There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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