You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
