she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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