Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
