Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
two words...techno handjob
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize