I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
