My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
