Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
