Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
