i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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