Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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