i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm bleeding and have questions
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
