The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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