My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The ass gains better be worth it
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