not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
