If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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