I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize