All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Randomize