god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
