You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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