my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
